Little Book of Monster Fics
by musingwoman
Summary: Series of one shots and drabbles, featuring all the characters. Some canon some AU. All genres, eventually. 10.Jack is a confident person!
1. Jack's, well, Jack

**'How do you know there's a monster under your bed?'**

**'Your nose touches the ceiling.'**

Jack wondered just how he had agreed to this berth. It had something to do with being out charmed by the gorgeous redheaded purser. He was losing his touch if he agreed to this in exchange for a vague offer of a drink later on in the week. OK, so he was also saving money on his lodging, which meant he could save more of his wages, but was the discomfort really worth it?

Jack pulled the single blanket over his shoulder leaving his toes exposed to the chilly air. He sighed and attempted to turn onto his side. He found himself wedged with his hips and legs on their side and his left shoulder pressing into the ceiling of the cabin. In order to move he had to forcefully pull the blanket from between his shoulder and the ceiling. In his frustration he pulled too hard and the blanket flew off the bunk and onto the floor. The chilly damp air caused instant goose bumps as the moisture condensed on his skin.

He cursed, and slid his way off the bunk and onto the floor. Actually calling it a bunk was inaccurate. It was more of a storage shelf really.

As he crouched down to pick up the blanket, he realised the occupant of the lower bunk was watching him. The creature was the reason for the damp chilly climate of the room; its size the reason Jack's bunk was so near the ceiling. It had one eye, but it was mesmerising. A stunning cyan blue cornea, with an iridescent sea green iris. Long black eyelashes framed it, sweeping down seductively as the creature contemplated Jack. It was enormous, shaped like a Henry Moore sculpture, all feminine curves, and a large hole in an unexpected place. Its skin smooth and black as weathered bronze.

"Well hello" said Jack "aren't you the gorgeous one?"

If a single eye can roll, then this one did. What may have been an eyebrow quirked upwards, and a smile appeared, exposing pearlescent teeth.

"Not so bad yourself sailor."

Jack grinned. "It's a little cosy for me up above ya there, what would you say to sharing …'

Before he could finish the creature had extended a polyp pulling him onto the bunk and into itself until Jack was fully engulfed. Jack idly wondered if he would die there – but if the creature carried on doing just that thing, he would die happy. Very happy indeed.


	2. Knock Knock

**Knock! Knock!**

**Who's there?**

**Oliver**

**Oliver who?**

**Oliver lone and I'm frightened of monsters!**

Ianto and Owen stumbled through the cog door, wincing at the noise of the alarms. Owen was propping up Ianto, who limped along with only one mud bespattered shoe on. Both were dripping wet, dirt running down their faces, mingling with the blood from sore looking grazes.

Jack came out of the greenhouse, and stared disbelievingly from his position above them. Owen glanced up, shaking his head as Jack started to speak.

Owen deposited Ianto on the sofa. Ianto leant back and took a deep breath, wincing as he rubbed his wet cheeks. Owen stumbled over to the kitchen, took two bottles of water out of the fridge and went back to slump down next to Ianto on the sofa. Ianto gratefully took the water, wincing again as he pulled the cap off with his teeth.

They eventually took notice of Jack, who had come to stand in front of them, arms folded across his chest, looking far from amused.

"One of you going to tell me what happened?"

Owen shook his head. Jack realised he was embarrassed. Ianto looked away, suddenly finding Tosh's workstation immensely interesting.

"Have you two been drinking?"

Two pairs of eyes looked up at him, managing to combine both hurt and innocence. This looked somewhat more believable on Ianto than it did on Owen.

"I send you to check the monitoring equipment on top of the millennium stadium, you come back looking like you've gone three rounds with Banana Boat on a Friday night and you say you're not drunk? No nasty interactions with aliens?"

Owen and Ianto shook their heads. "It was worse Jack! Terrible." Ianto's voice was hoarse and low.

"Hoix? Nostrovite?"

"Worse!"

"Should I call in Gwen and Toshiko?" Jack was sounding alarmed now.

Owen looked at Ianto and spoke for the first time. "Worse, in that it was possibly the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to us."

"Embarrassing?" Jack was now amused, "OK, spill. Can I get it on CCTV?"

Ianto groaned, "Probably, in fact it might even make the news. Probably some paparazzi has already sold the pictures!"

"Is one of you going to actually tell me what went on?"

"Hannah Montana," Said Owen

"Who or what is Hannah Montana?"

"Teen pop star, has a show at the Millennium Stadium tonight"

"You found out she was an alien and took her down right?"

"Nope" said Ianto

"You saved her from a weevil?"

"Not even close."

Jack gave them a look.

Owen sighed. "We accidentally got in between her and her fans. They didn't appreciate it. Thousands of screaming girls. Not to mention the glare of the pink glitter."

"Then there were the parents," remarked Ianto

"Parents?" said Jack

"Some of them thought we were perverts and took exception to us"

Jack tried hard not to laugh, he really did. He really, really did.

An hour later, Owen had stormed off home, still not talking to Jack. Jack's apology had been somewhat marred by the laughter that kept escaping as he spoke. Ianto had disappeared first to the showers and then the archives.

He reappeared now, in the doorway to Jack's office, coat over his arm.

"I'll be off then, Jack"

Jack looked up. Ianto looked a bit vulnerable, the grazes on his cheeks still looked raw, a small smear of antiseptic cream by one eye showed how upset he still was. Happy Ianto would never have left that. "You OK?"

Ianto shrugged.

"Do you want me to come home with you?"

Ianto looked all around the office, anywhere but at Jack. Finally he looked somewhere around the region of Jack's nose and nodded once.

Jack stood up, grabbed his coat and swept Ianto out and up to the outside world.

Ianto would never admit it to Jack, but all he saw when he closed his eyes were screaming prepubescent fangirls coming for him. He would rather face down a pack of Weevils than go through that again.

* * *

Thanks for all the story allerts. Reviews are loved and always answered. The last sentence and this bit got left off for some reason when I first posted. Prompts being accepted for this series, either monster /alien based or really bad cracker jokes.


	3. Dawn

**What is a Sea Monster's Favourite Dinner?**

**Fish and Ships.**

Ianto winced as the Fishguard – Rosslare ferry sounded its horn. 2.45 am in a chilly Welsh harbour. Jack and Ianto were on a reconnaissance mission. The ship's captain had reported several unusual sightings of a large black creature appearing on the route to Ireland. Several container ships had reported the same thing and a couple of smaller boats had gone missing.

To get to the ferry on time had entailed Jack dragging Ianto out of bed just after midnight. A couple of days before, Ianto and Owen had been nearly taken out by hysterical Hannah Montana fans. The grazes on Ianto's cheeks were healing, but he hadn't shaved and had fine stubble across his chin and cheeks. The effect when matched with his elegantly cut suit gave him a slight air of reckless danger. The tiredness about his eyes added to the sense of a man who knew too much and could easily be pushed over the edge.

With Jack in a no nonsense mood and carrying his holstered Webley in plain sight, the crew had gladly shown them to the best area for viewing, provided coffee and then left them to it.

Unfortunately the best viewing area, although at the stern, was open to the elements. It was still dark and would be for a couple of hours. Ianto huddled on a small plastic chair, hands stuffed into the pockets of the overcoat he had put on when he realised they were to be outside. He tucked his chin into his chest, and glowered at the world, shivering.

Jack was leant against the rail of the deck, peering up at the clouds, hoping the moon would break through, but luck was not with him tonight. He shivered and put his back to the rail and observed Ianto. His lips twitched at the sight of the forlorn man in front of him.

"What?" Snapped Ianto

"Nothing… "

Ianto looked up at him, he couldn't help himself, Jack's smile was infectious, and he found himself starting to smile back, mocking himself. "Sorry, not very good company. Bit tired for some reason." He pretended to think for a moment, "oh, right, that would be you're fault."

Jack tried to look affronted. "My fault?" He pointed at himself to emphasise both his innocence and surprise.

"Someone has been stopping me from getting a good nights sleep recently."

Jack's grin became positively feral, "I don't remember you complaining about being kept awake." His eyebrow twitched upwards, questioning.

"That was before I was woken up at some ungodly hour to go chasing mythical sea monsters in the freezing damp, with a flask of lukewarm stale coffee."

"Ah poor little man, is he all cold and damp?"

Ianto glowered, and stuffed his hands deeper into his pockets. Jack sighed; he'd hoped Ianto might retaliate physically. He could do with warming up too.

He pulled up a second chair next to Ianto and sat as close as he could, stuffing his hands into his greatcoat pockets. He snuggled shoulder to shoulder. He felt Ianto resist for a moment, then relax into him, resting his head on Jacks shoulder. Jack put his arm round him and pulled him in close.

As the sky lightened, the clouds lifted and the wind dropped. In that breathless moment of dawn, Ianto and Jack stood and leant on the rail, looking out over the wake of the ship and off to the horizon.

Suddenly off to port and crossing the wake of the ship Jack spotted a large black shape cresting the water. He pointed it out to Ianto; it disappeared, emerging again a hundred metres away. It was joined a moment later by three more humps, if they had been small the movements could have been mistaken for porpoises, but these were truly enormous.

Ianto checked his PDA for rift readings, but it remained stubbornly blank. Jack scanned the surrounding sea with his wriststrap, again nothing.

They followed the shapes as they crossed the wake from port to starboard and back again, peering through the gloom of the dawn. There was something mesmerising about the repetitive cresting and sinking of the rounded shapes. Suddenly a whole creature rose from the sea, lifting its body fully thirty feet into the air and falling back with a splash large enough to sink a small boat.

It was followed by another and another and another, the creatures joyfully throwing themselves out of the water and into the air.

Ianto and Jack stood open mouthed, gasping as the whales continued to dive into the sea, then smack the surface of the water with their flukes.

They were gone as suddenly as they had appeared. The surface of the sea mirroring the sunrise, rippling only with the wake of the ship.

Ianto felt full of wonder and joy, he saw that Jack felt the same way. With all the Alien wonders they had seen, all the danger and beauty that was Torchwood, was as nothing when compared to watching whales frolicking in the wake of the Fishguard-Rosslare ferry.

* * *

It's snowing here in the Chilterns. First proper snow of the year! England is coming to a standstill. Am sat next to the Christmas tree writing and reading Torchwood. All cosy, my daughter and her friend watching Haunted Mansion on the Disney Channel, all of us trying to resist eating the choccies on the tree. Not sure it can get any better. Oh yes, reviews! (not that I am begging or anything.)


	4. Faking it

**What do romantic vampires do? Neck!**

Jack and Ianto arrived back at the Hub from a council liaison meeting. Myfanwy flew overhead with a welcoming screech, drawing Jack's eye to the conference room as Ianto helped him off with his coat. He nodded towards the room where a flickering light showed, "I thought everyone else had gone home?"

Ianto shrugged as he hung up the coat, "I know Tosh and Gwen planned on using that discount the Spa gave us for sorting out their Weevil problem."

Jack gave a bark of laughter, "That lent a new dimension to a seaweed wrap!"

He followed Ianto over to the coffee machine. "You know we should book ourselves a massage." He leaned against the counter watching Ianto's efficient technique. A light blush crept over Ianto's cheeks. "Only if you promise to behave – properly." Ianto had started to add explanations of what type of behaviour he was expecting. Jack was quite adept at interpreting being asked to behave as permission to do whatever he wanted. After all without conditions behaviour could be naughty or nice (though Ianto found it usually ended up as quite or even amazingly good.)

Ianto finished making the coffee, placing three mugs on a tray. "Owen sometimes watches DVD's on the plasma screen. Says the definition and sound is better than he gets at his apartment." He picked up the tray and Jack followed him across the Hub and up to the conference room.

Jack opened the door and Ianto passed through, panting could be heard from the screen. Raising his head from checking the tray Ianto glanced at the screen. "Whoa!" He tilted his head to the right, the better to see the action on the screen. Jack whistled under his breath and did the same, trying to make sense of the anatomy.

"You know that guy's technique sucks, Owen," he said.

"Yes very funny, Harkness, less of the puns please. When did you two get back?" He picked up a mug without taking his eyes from the screen. "This is a classic I'll have you know."

Jack glanced at Ianto, and raised his eyebrows.

"No I mean it Owen, he's missing out on so many ways to give her a good time. Where's the touching, the sensuality? Why does he look like he's trying to pass his driving test?"

"I do not need a film critique from you thank you. If you don't like it, don't watch."

"When Yan and I…"

"Oh God, now I need brain bleach!" Owen put his head in his hands.

"You can happily watch sex between two people who don't give a damn about each other but you can't stand to hear about two of your friends making love? I'll never understand the 21st century."

Ianto had contemplated quietly retreating from the room, porn was really not his thing, but he stopped,startled when he heard Jack call what they did making love. He found himself staring at Jack. "When did they move from shagging to making love?"He wondered. Ianto missed Owen's reply, only to be startled out of his reverie by the increasing noise coming from the woman on the screen. He found himself mesmerised by her facial contortions.

"Fake!" he and Jack spoke at the same time.

Owen finally gave up and turned to look at them. Before he could speak Jack picked up his mug and took a sip.

"Oh, Ianto, this is even better than usual. New blend?"

"Single estate actually, from Kenya. Fairtrade organic, shade grown."

"Mmm, come on, let's leave Owen to his make believe and go and enjoy this in peace." He ushered Ianto out of the room in front of him. He turned back in the doorway. "Of course Owen there's another reason to be careful about what porn you watch."

"And what might that be, Harkness?"

"There's no Fairtrade guarantee for the sex industry in the 21st Century."

* * *

Thank you to CJH4ever who has been reviewing these fics. Also to all those who have put this on alerts (live dangerously and review too -I'm not a monster and promise not to bite, unless you ask real nice!.) I hope you are enjoying the stories! Reviews will ensure my new year gets off to a happy start!

May I wish you all a Happy, Healthy and Succesful 2010.


	5. Whiteface

**Why did the vampire attack the clown?**

**He wanted the circus to be in his blood.**

The rained poured out of the sky and dripped down the back of Jack's neck, it dripped coldly from eyelashes and created a dewdrop on the end of his nose. He wiped it away, dragging his hand tiredly across his cheekbones and over his chin. The figure he crouched over grinned up at him in a parody of life, the rain gathering and balling like mercury over the grease paint.A quick visual check gave no obvious cause of death; Jack pushed the ginger wig up from the clown's forehead revealing the junction of makeup and real skin.

He touched the comm Unit in his ear, calling Owen to get a move on and give his opinion. He stood up, arching his back, to stretch out stiff muscles. Idly he watched Ianto taking photographs of the scene, Tosh scanning next to him; Jack turned his head to watch as Gwen worked the local police. She had a steaming cup in her hand. Where that had appeared from at 3am on a freezing, wet Cardiff morning Jack had no idea.

Owen jogged up, examiners bag in his hand. The odour of tequila slammers and cheap scent assailed Jack's nostrils. He wondered if his call out had interrupted Owen's plans. Well, they all had better things to do at this time of the morning than investigate the 'spooky' demise of the local party clown. Probably something of nothing, but PC Andy was developing a nose for the kind of things Torchwood was interested in, so Jack had called out the troops. Jack's eyes returned to Ianto, contemplating hot showers and how best to save on water bills. He became aware that Owen had been trying to attract his attention.

As he turned to talk to Owen he caught a glimpse of a figure out of the corner of his eye. He turned back to check on it, but there was nothing there.

"Jack? You OK?"

Jack turned and nodded to Owen "Sure, what have you found?"

Owen began his report, but realised he had lost Jack's attention again.

He looked where Jack was staring. Ianto and Tosh were also staring, but in opposite directions. Owen stood up, turning in a circle to take in the sight.

Ten, no thirteen, Whiteface clowns surrounded them. White cone hats, Blank white faces with crosses for eyes, and thin red lips. Their suits were made of holographic material, with large white puffs in place of buttons. Neat white boots finished the ensemble. They were deathly quiet.

Over the shoulder of one of the clowns Owen saw Gwen drop her cup and run towards them, the other police officers standing open mouthed.

Then the clowns smiled. The smiles unsettled Owen, they were predatory and cold. Tosh and Ianto stepped towards each other back-to-back, warily watching; Jack drew his Webley.

The clowns took one step closer.

Ianto and Tosh had now drawn their weapons. Owen realised the most unsettling thing was not the silence or the smiles. It was the large canine teeth each clown was now showing.

The clowns stepped closer.

Jack was calling on them to stop, to talk to them, to negotiate.

The clowns stepped forward.

Jack gave one last warning, and then gave the order to shoot.

There was no way the team could miss at this distance. Owen braced himself for the inevitable carnage. Suddenly he was screaming and running towards the police line as he watched the bullets pass through the clowns and into the chests of the nearest coppers. Gwen had thrown herself to the ground; he did not think she was hurt.

The clowns stepped closer.

Owen realised he was on the outside of the circle; in his surprise he turned and watched for a moment. His mouth dropped open. The clowns ignored the team members, passing through them as though they did not exist. They bent down and picked up the dead clown, then the whole group gently dissipated.

Coming to himself, Owen spun round and ran to offer aid to the police who had been hit by the bullets. Thank god for stab vests. They had stopped the worst, but people were still writhing in pain.

Gwen hauled herself to her feet, eyes wide, and ran towards Jack, Ianto and Tosh. Jack and Ianto whirled round, gun barrels pointing down, but ready. Tosh was already scanning, frowning as she concentrated.

Jack and Ianto finally relaxed as Gwen reached them throwing herself at Jack. He hugged her to him, grinning and winking at Ianto over her shoulder.

*********

Finally they finished examining the scene, and sorting out the witnesses.

Jack was just about to get into the drivers seat of the SUV, when he caught a glimpse of a figure in the corner of his eye. He turned quickly. A few metres away stood a Whiteface clown. The clown solemnly lifted his index finger to his lips urging Jack to be quiet. He then lifted both his eyebrows, tilted his head back and silently laughed as his body gradually disappeared, until only the grin with its vampire teeth was left. After a few seconds this too blinked out of sight.


	6. Woodworm

**Gwen. "This house is a ruin, I wonder why it hasn't fallen down?"**

**Owen. " I think the woodworm are holding hands."**

Owen and Gwen stood looking up doubtfully at the wrecked Victorian terraced house. The whole street had a deserted air, partially abandoned after local industry closed and the houses had become worthless. The whole street was due for demolition, but a few hardy souls remained, a strange mixture of oldies who refused to move, squatters with a social conscience about housing and the residents of number 22.

Number 22, classic two up, two down, still with the outside lav attached to the end of the ramshackle kitchen extension. The whole completed by a small enclosed yard at the back, and three-foot of front garden. A broken brick wall barely supported a wooden gate leading to a cracked tiled path.

"Right then PC Cooper, in we go, can't stand dawdling here all day."

Owen stepped over the wall, and then cursed as he stepped in a cat turd. Gwen laughed at his expression, until she felt the splinter enter her thumb as she tried to open the gate. They stood inside the garden, frustrated and angry.

"Right," said Gwen "Lets get on."

Ten minutes later they were no nearer the front door. So far Owen had tripped on a broken tile and Gwen had broken a heel as she tried to avoid him, falling awkwardly on her backside into a patch of stinging nettles.

They had helped each other up then immediately slipped again on the algae covering the tiles. Finally they arrived at the front door and with a triumphant look at each other Gwen rang the bell, starting back as she received a sharp shock. Owen then tried the knocker, which suddenly came off in his hand, causing his elbow to hit Gwen in the diaphragm. She exhaled with a puff of air and cursed him.

The door opened. Ianto stood, looking immaculate and handsome in tight jeans and snorgtee that proclaimed how epic he was.

"Good Evening, come in, welcome to our housewarming." Gwen could hear big band music in the background and the sound of Tosh's laughter as she talked to someone.

Ianto smelt rather than saw Owen's shoes "Um could you leave your shoes outside please – I really don't want to have to clean up cat turd from the tiled floor."

"Ianto, what is this dump? Surely you and Jack can afford something a bit more…." Gwen's voice trailed off.

"Yes Gwen? A bit more what?" Ianto opened the door wider and let them into the hall. Gwen gasped and Owen looked up from pulling off his jacket. The hall was a perfect Victorian gem, from the tiled mosaic floor to the detailed architraves and picture rails. A door led into the living room, the two downstairs rooms had been thrown into one, with polished wooden floors, rugs and large squishy sofas. A cast iron Victorian fireplace faced with tiles contained a gently glowing real coal fire. Jack and Tosh were sat on one of the sofas quaffing from large glasses of wine. Canapés and hot food were sitting ready on a table towards the back of the room, by the door, which led to an immaculate real wood kitchen.

Gwen's eyes were round, her mouth trying to form words whilst her brain tried to catch up with the contrast between outside and inside.

Owen just asked where the beer was.

Gwen's brain finally caught up half way through her glass of wine. Ianto was sat leaning up against Jack who had pulled him in closer. Owen was playing a zombie game on the PS3 as Tosh looked on.

"So come on then, tell us, why this house? Isn't this street due for demolition? Hardly worth your while doing all this, was it?" Gwen waved her hand to indicate the handsome décor.

Jack pressed down lightly on Ianto's shoulder as he felt him tense.

"Ianto feels strongly that these houses still have a lot of life in them, so we're supporting the movement to bring them back into use," said Jack.

"A lot of my family lived in this area, there used to be a real sense of community, my great uncle owned this house, left it to me in his will." Said Ianto

"Yeah, my family grew up in houses like this, Canning town, London. 'Course they all got bombed out in the war, it's all tower blocks now."

Everyone looked at Owen in surprise. He never talked about his family. He hitched a small smile then returned to his game.

A few hours later, and it was time to leave, Owen and Gwen headed for the front door, but Tosh steered them out to the back yard. This was flagged over attractively, and neatly fenced. She led them out of the new and secure back gate into the well-kept cobbled alley.

"Oh, this is why you told us to come to the back door!"

Owen just threw her a dirty look. "Cooper!"

Ianto climbed the steep stairs, Jack followed just far enough behind that his eyes were on a level with, well Ianto's behind.

"Do you think Gwen bought the story we told her about why we live here?"

Ianto turned his head to catch Jack's eye, he wiggled his hips when he realised what Jack was looking at. Jack swallowed and nodded.

"Uh huh. Owen will be the one to actually find out the truth, he'll pester Tosh."

By now Ianto had reached the bedroom, and was stripping off. It was cooler up here, and he felt the goose bumps rise on his arms and chest. Jack threw himself onto the mattress and watched him undress. Ianto threw his t-shirt at him and wandered into the bathroom to clean his teeth. He came back out, talking round the brush and foam. He realised Jack couldn't understand him, removed the brush and pointed it at Jack.

"I said, did you check on the atmospheric containment field for the Felodians at number 7?"

Jack nodded, Ianto disappeared for a moment into the bathroom, he stuck his head around the door as he wiped his face dry.

"And the perception filter for the Arko's at number 12?"

Jack nodded again.

Ianto walked swiftly over to the bed and climbed on.

"In that case I think you deserve a reward –Sir."

* * *

Hands up all those who thought this was going to end with smut? Shame on you! I am far too pure for that sort of thing.


	7. Personal Space

Personal Space

**What happened to the lovesick Vampire?**

**He became a neck -romancer.**

For the fourth time in as many days Ianto woke with pins and needles running down his right arm, and the skin of his bicep trapped just under Jacks chest. The need to pee was paramount and he extricated himself delicately from Jack's side, and stumbled on a numb leg across the room.

Getting back into bed he finds Jack has moved and his elbow is now in Ianto's space. The man who needs little sleep sure takes up space.

He sighs and looks at his watch on the bedside table. 5.45 am. Coffee seems the only solution.

Later that day Ianto gratefully closes the door to his flat; he has, with a little regret turned down Jack's offer for that night in favour of his nice big comfy bed, and catching up on his shut eye. (Rift permitting.)

Within half an hour he is sat at the kitchen table, washing machine murmuring in the background, and Chris Evans on The One Show nattering excitedly on the flip down TV. Ianto turns the TV to mute, folds _The Times_ to the cryptic crossword, picks up his pencil in one hand and sips coffee with the other. Aliens, extrovert lovers and snarky, huggy team mates fade into the background. Ianto relishes the unaccustomed peace.

A couple of hours later he is in the bathroom. He decides to shower then relax in a nice deep bath (Tosh has taught him Japanese ways of cleanliness). It has been so long since he has used the bathroom though that the only remotely soapy stuff he has is a bar of Lemslip from Lush. A Christmas present from Rhiannon. He thinks it will be too effeminate, but it really just smells of lemon, and he can't help thinking Jack will appreciate how soft it leaves his skin. He has a little moment more of regret, but then remembers he still has the crossword to finish; lack of practice has turned his ten minute record into more like half an hour.

Ianto shaves, and contemplates his sideburns. The little gadget Gwen bought him for Christmas will sort them out. There is another little gadget that came with it, and being in relationship with the perfect Jack Harkness has made him pay attention to areas of his body he had never thought of before. He takes the little trimmer, and gets his face close to the mirror. When his eyes stop watering, and he stops cursing in several languages, he finally slips into a lemslip scented bath.

Alternately sipping coffee and completing the crossword in a hot, comforting bath, Ianto knows he has made the right call. After this he will sleep like a sprayed weevil, leaving him ready to face Jack's bed for a few more days.

He sinks into the comforting coolness of his freshly made bed, pulls up his goose down duvet and sinks into…insomnia.

There is something missing. Where there should be pressure, there is nothing but space. In his head there is a phantom body, heating his, pushing up against him, needing to be shoved back to enable him to have room. Being able to lie spread-eagled across the width of his Kingsize is unsettling. The room is too quiet with only his breathing, the ambient light too bright for his Hub adjusted eyes.

He tosses and turns, switches on the light, after all he isn't missing Jack, it's just that final crossword clue that is keeping him up. He potters out to the living room, fetches his i-pod and the paper, only a little soggy from the steam and settles back against a bank of pillows. About 2 am he starts awake for the third time, switches off the light, and finally drifts off.

Ianto wakes, pins and needles run down his right arm, and his leg is numb from the knee down. He is too hot, and he realises that there is snuffling coming from somewhere behind him. He turns abruptly, pushing himself up on his good arm. When and how did Jack get into his flat and sneak into his bed?

* * *

If you enjoy - please review 'cos it really cheers me up! Apologies for the length of time it has taken to get back to this. Lemslip is brilliant for shaving. Not that I admit to anything as unfeminine as leg hair. No sir!


	8. Ladies Who Do

_Mrs Overall__: Lets all have a nice macaroon, shall we? ( misquoted from Acorn Antiques (Victoria Wood/BBC)__  
_

The days had grown longer, and unusually for Cardiff, hotter, so Ianto had shed the suit jacket and waist coat and rolled his shirt sleeves to his elbows. Currently he is half in, half out of the janitorial supply cupboard, wrangling an old mop and galvanised metal bucket into submission.

His shirt is wet, the bucket and mop had been very recalcitrant when he tried to empty it into the sluice. He is beginning to have dark thoughts about alien control, or maybe poltergeist activity, when he finally gets the door to shut.

He turns, straightens his tie and takes a step towards Jack who is leaning nonchalantly against the doorway into the sluice. Jack opens his mouth to speak when the cupboard door behind Ianto swings open, butting him in the back. Jack flinches as the mop handle hits Ianto on the head, and the galvanised bucket falls to the floor, smacking him in the back of the knees, echoing like a cracked bell against the tiled floor.

Bravely Jack hides his mirth and assists Ianto to stand. "You OK?" Ianto does not deign a verbal reply, but his look would burn holes through a grade three containment unit.

"Ya know Betty never had much of a problem with that bucket and she was only 4 foot eight."

It is the end of the day and Jack and Ianto are sat sipping coffee on their favourite roof. The sun is sinking over the bay, and Ianto is finally feeling cooler in the evening breeze.

"I don't want to know what you and Betty got up to in the sluice, Jack."

Jack shivers at the thought. "She would have had my guts for garters if I so much as hinted at flirting, she was quite a gal. She once subdued a weevil with nothing more than a mop and a feather duster."

"Wow, brave," Ianto thinks for a moment, "I don't remember seeing a Betty in the field agent files."

Jack smirked, "you wouldn't. She was just a'_ Lady Who Does_'."

Ianto turns a quizzical eye on Jack "Does what?"

"You, know, she 'did' for people."

"An assassin?"

"NO. She 'did' for people, a char, a cleaner. She 'did' for Torchwood. I tell you, we all quivered in our boots when Betty told us off for walking across her wet floors."

"And yet you still do it today"

"Ah, but your punishments are fun"

A few days later Ianto runs to earth a picture of Betty. He understands exactly why Jack would be afraid. Next time he washes the kitchen floor, the mop is left diagonally across the entrance, an enlarged picture of Betty hanging from it. It is the first time it dries unmarked by the passage of dirty boots and heels. He has also replaced the toilet duck gel discs with old fashioned solid fresheners, from the supply he had found in the sluice. The smell very reminiscent of school lavatories across the world.

Curiously Ianto never has trouble with the mop and bucket again, and the toilets have stopped overflowing. Perhaps he has appeased the spirit of Betty and through her the spirits of all "Ladies who do".

* * *

Please do not type 'ladies who do' into google images unless you are over 18 and or have strong stomach. Yes you will find the film, but the first pic was very scary indeed!Search for Mrs Overall instead and have a giggle.


	9. Tosh's Day

Yes I know it should be Ianto Tales but I like Tosh and tough Geeks, and Stephanie Plum who is tough with an ability to wreck cars I just can't help but envy.

**Babe, you've destroyed a car, **

**burned down two buildings,**

** stapled a guys nuts and you have sixteen stitches in your leg.**

** Take a night off. Have a glass of wine, watch some television, and go to bed early.**

_(Janet Evanovitch, Lean Mean Thirteen, Ranger to Stephanie Plum)_

Tosh was on a roll. Endorphins gushed through her brain as her heart marched adrenaline through her circulation. Pain was not going to stop her, breathlessness would not hold her back; high heels and short skirt no obstacles to climbing.

This bastard was going down.

Icy needles of rain fell from a leaden sky drilling drops into the top of her head. The beast in front of her roared at the lightning, and reached for the thunderous clouds, drawing the potential electricity and hurtling it towards the beleaguered team.

"Who does he think he is? Fucking Thor?" Owen in his rubber soled shoes and baggy rubberised suit laughed in the face of danger, Jack of course had on a perfectly fitted rubber suit, which had led to all sorts of comments from Gwen and Owen, and a very certain "In your dreams, Jack" from Ianto. Gwen could not work out how Ianto managed to look so suave in his baggy rubber, whilst she and Owen looked like a pair of unemployed sewerage workers.

Still the beast had them pinned down, insulation no guarantee against being clobbered by the lumps of concrete that exploded from the wall it was hitting with the lightning.

Tosh sneaked through an alleyway, coming up to the left of the beast. The air smelled of ozone, static sparked through her hair, and her blouse clung coldly to her skin. The beast glowed blue as it gathered electricity and threw it towards the team. Tosh climbed up on a dumpster at the end of the alley and hoped the beast would not see her. She hoisted the adapted Big Gun from over her shoulder and aimed it a few feet above the beast's head. She fired and a net of carbon fibres and alien alloy burst over the creature, rapidly adjusting to its height and the edge falling rapidly to the ground, earthing the electricity harmlessly. The creature roared and tried to break free, tangling itself more thoroughly and eventually falling over backwards. As it fell the very localised thunderstorm began to turn to drizzle and the weak Cardiff sun broke through. Tosh re-slung the gun and brushed the hair from her face. She went to jump off the dumpster and ended up slipping on her bum down its grimy side. Her skirt rucked up to her hips and her knickers performed a really good wedgie as her tights shredded themselves on the crumbling tarmac of the alleyway. The big gun dug painfully into her shoulder blade and as she stood the sting of the grazes on her thighs caused her to suck her teeth as she limped in one shoe towards the rest of the team as they subdued the beast.

Back at the hub Tosh was subjected to rubbery damp hugs and thanks as the team headed off to change. Ianto had wrangled the beast into a containment cell and was now making coffee. Gwen and Owen were chattering excitedly about the capture and Jack had been sidetracked by a call from the PM. Tosh took a hot shower and was back at her workstation in time to drink her now barely hot coffee. She finished off the basic report on the big gun adaptation including hyperlinks to all the equations and diagrams. (Thank you Ianto for the user friendly and logical short forms.)

She then made the gun safe, cleaned it and placed it in the armoury. Next up was the archasian translation programme, (Jack had a surprisingly affectionate taste for archasian poetry and wanted to share it, even more surprisingly it wasn't erotic poetry.) Whilst it ran she made adjustments to the software and worked on the latest upgrade to the rift predictor programme.

Fourteen hours after starting work Tosh found herself alone, at home. Jack and Ianto were out somewhere, Owen was on the pull and Gwen was with Rhys. (Although, of course Owen might have been pulling Gwen, but Tosh did NOT want to go there.) A glass of wine and bed and her favourite TV programme, she was asleep before the first wedding cake was delivered.

The next day was her off day (rift permitting) and she mooched around in her dressing gown, trying to find the motivation to do a bit of housework or some online food shopping. Going out was just too much trouble. Damn it, she ached. Just not enough to be in bed or enough to really put off cleaning the kitchen floor. She mooched some more.

Around twelve the door bell rang. Jack barrelled in with a grin and a kiss. "Ianto has something for you."

"Good afternoon Tosh" Ianto followed Jack in, carrying a nondescript cardboard box. It looked heavy and Tosh wondered what piece of tech she was to analyse on her day off, and why it couldn't wait until she was back in work the next day. To her surprise Ianto took it into the kitchen and Jack propelled her into the lounge and made her sit. He chatted to her about this and that. How she was feeling, what were her plans for the day. He told her they were there on a social visit and to check she was OK after her amazing rescue the day before. Soon the most glorious chocolatey coffee smell was wafting into her lounge, Ianto followed it with a large mug of Mocha, topped with whipped cream, a double espresso for himself and a Mocha, no cream for Jack. He then returned with a silver cake stand. On the stand was a small but perfectly formed three tier cake, covered in white chocolate and decorated with chocolate representations of exquisite shoes and bags by her favourite designer, nestling in chocolate roses, with here and there a small perfectly formed white chocolate owl.

Tosh could barely breathe. She placed her hands on her breast and blinked away tears. "How did you know? Is it really a…."

Ianto nodded. "For our best and most amazing kick ass geek. A cake by Choccywoccydoodah"

* * *

Choccywoccydoodah - the most amazing cake shop, based in Brighton UK - and with their own TV show no less! Has any one written a Jack meets Ranger fic? Or is that just either too hot or funny to contemplate?


	10. Flake

**Flake**

"_Mother-naked, Mrs 'odges, if you'll believe me. I declare I was that ashamed I didden know w'ere to look. And no more 'air on 'is chest that wot I'as meself."_

"_That's gentry" said Mrs Hodges, referring to the first part of the indictment. "you've only got to look at the pictures of them there sunbathers as they call them on the Ly-doh. Now my Susan's first were a wunnerful 'airy man, just like a kerridge rug if you take my meaning. But," she added cryptically, "it don't foller, for they never 'ad no family, not till 'e died and she married young Tyler over at Piggots"_

Busman's Honeymoon, Dorothy L Sayers, regarding Lord Peter Wimsey on the morning after his nuptials.

* * *

Jack had a bodily confidence that was not always appreciated by the local population.

Ianto was in the kitchen making toast and coffee, already up and dressed for a comfortable Saturday morning, Jack however tended to potter on a rare morning off. A leisurely shower, shave and meandering through the necessities of grooming his body to face the week to come.

Ianto was relaxing comfortably against the work top, waiting for the toast when he heard the shout. His first impulse was to reach for his gun. His second was to roll his eyes and stroll through to the bedroom, where Jack was standing nude, in front of the picture window, hands on hips to a chorus of wolf whistles, giggles and 'Put some clothes on'. Ianto sighed and pulled the blinds. Jack grinned shamelessly and pulled him in for a snog.

Jack did dress for breakfast, having a congenital dislike of toast crumbs on his skin; he put on his coat when later they walked up to the local coffee shop. Ianto was acutely aware of the twitching of his neighbour's curtains, and the sidelong glances of the mechanics working on the forecourt of the little garage across the way. He made an effort to be as nonchalant as Jack, who seemed to interpret the looks as some sort of applause.

In the coffee shop Jack chose a confection with whipped cream and a flake. Ianto was sure he was doing it on purpose. All he could think of was the music from the flake advert and the way the girl bit into the chocolate stick, catching the crumbs with a finger across the lips. It may have been his imagination but it felt like the whole café held its breath when Jack ate his Flake, and at least half the café groaned when he licked whipped cream and chocolate from his fingers. Though that may have just been him.

Later that day Jack and Gwen had gone to retrieve a Gasperian pea pod. Ianto was on comms, feeding information about the Gasperians (Muddy coloured sentient plants, used UV light to photosynthesise, twenty or so seeds ensconced in mucus within a tough outer shell.) Bit poisonous, well, humans tended to be allergic to the mucus and the itching was not much fun.

Gwen herded an itchy and mostly naked Jack back into the hub about 6pm. She was not amused. Apparently Jack had accidentally burst the pod open and mucus sprayed him from head to foot. He had immediately stripped off his clothes and run to the kiddies paddling pool to wash. Not only that, but he then proceeded to have a splashing war with the toddlers, until park security arrived and forcibly removed him at the behest of a couple of protective mothers (and one father).

Gwen had then been forced to promise she would keep him under control and walked back across the park with him to the SUV, encountering Rhys and her mother in law on the way. (Out to look at the local flower show.) PC Andy had, apparently filmed this bit on his mobile and was refusing to delete it.

The local population of Derena not only appreciated Jack's bodily confidence, they insisted that he was also nude during negotiations regarding trading routes across earth space. Whilst Ianto could find it in himself to appreciate both Jack's body and the Derena's mix of gelatinous torso and airy fins he was not so keen on displaying his own body. Gwen just flat out refused, and a diplomatic incident was only avoided by PC Andy joining in. It would also have been a lot more fun if it had been any other month than February, at midnight in Bute Park. At one point Ianto worried that his bits might never reappear.

Detective Swanson did not appreciate Jack's body at all. Ianto wondered if she protested just a little too much. Until the night he felt the pinch on his bum as she walked nonchalantly past him.

He felt his own bodily confidence grow just a little.

* * *

If you want to see some of the Flake adverts, they are on you tube. Just search for Cadbury's Flake advert. Please review! I will be updating Ianto tales soon!


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